Why we oppose votes for men

Because you know what? That’s just bullshit.

Angie Varona was a 14 year old girl who took pictures of herself on the internet. Somehow, the pics were leaked and now she is a bit of an internet celebrity due to numerous people sharing images of herself for their own sexual pleasure.  Now that she’s older, she recently did an interview with ABC, and there’s about 700 comments on reddit blaming her for taking the pictures, not the people who helped spread them, or the people who set up entire areas of the website for her photographs.  Nope.  They aren’t to blame.

But apparently Angie and her immodest clothing is.

However, she was 14 years old.  14 year olds are still kids in many many ways.  So my only rebuttal is one taken from the movie Hard Candy

‘Oh, she was so sexy. She was asking for it.’ ‘She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.’ It’s just so easy to blame a kid, isn’t it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does NOT mean she’s ready to do what a woman does.

I mean, you’re the grown up here. … If a kid says ‘Hey, let’s make screwdrivers!’ You take the alcohol away, and you don’t race them to the next drink!  (emphasis mine)

And that is the fundamental failure.  The victim blaming only builds on that failure.

And that’s one big fuckin’ failure.

AVFM goes off the rails, if it was ever on them

AVFM, the notoriously garbage website run by the also-coincidentally-anonymous “Paul Elam” is offering a cash reward for invading the privacy of a blogger. They then promise to harass said blogger. Does anyone see this not leading to violence?

Hat tip to Aerik for posting about this on reddit.

Yay, nerdiness

No, seriously, what about teh menz? has an awesome analysis of one of my favorite stories ever.  

Looking at the actual structure of the old stories, there is no way to read Robin Hood as other than an anti-feudalist character….

My nerdy medievalist sense is tingling.

Stop Internet Misogyny Week – Day 1

Today’s required reading: TigerBeatdown on #mencallmethings

The good news? Because I hate online misogyny, I’m an “ALL-POWERFUL TOTALITARIAN OF THE SORT DESCRIBED BY GEORGE ORWELL” – pssht, as if you didn’t know that. Here at gynocrat central, we’re all about expanding our own freedoms while limiting the freedoms of others, because human rights are totes a zero sum game.  Wait, no. We just think sexist harassment isn’t alright.

So if you’d like to share your stories of internet harassment and misogyny at #mentellmethings on twitter.

Laughing off the backlash

White Owls!

I’ve always been a fan of creative protesting.  My personal favorite came a few years ago when protesters effectively disrupted a KKK/Neo-Nazi march in downtown Knoxville.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s angrily shouted once more, “White flowers?” the clowns cheers and threw white flowers in the air and danced about merrily.

Via Neatorama

Now, in my mind, this is how protesting hateful, ridiculous opinions should go.  Unless you already have a personal relationship with the person holding that opinion, arguing and getting in their faces isn’t going to help.  If anything, their hateful beliefs will become more entrenched.  Add to the fact that when you are a bit of a minority belief, it’s difficult to argue with everyone.  There are only so many hours in a day, and only so many times you can say the same argument over and over again, before you want to beat your own head into a wall.

Sometimes it’s easier to just point and laugh.  And that’s where my affiliation with a subreddit called “Shitredditsays” comes in.   You see, one day I was browsing reddit and was tired and cranky about some misogynistic shit that happened, when I discovered that there was a magical subreddit that did what I desperately needed:  Mock the stupid shit that people say on reddit and get upvoted for it.

Because the opinion that women are objects is ridiculous.  The opinion that child porn doesn’t hurt anyone?  Patently silly and harmful.   The idea that humor is throwing racist slurs around?  Pretty dumb.

I could get mad at these people.  I could argue with them.   Maybe someone would see reason.  But the most likely result is that I would get hate PMs from angry people, and I would be discredited because of my opinion.

Alternatively, I could make the point that their opinion, much like the opinion that the sun is smaller than the earth is so stupid, that my only option is to laugh at them and at how ill informed and self-centered their world view is.

Maybe that won’t win hearts and minds, but it’s hitting these opinions where they hurt and taking a shovel to the problem of shit opinions, rather than individually arguing with each crap opinion that stops by.

To those hurt by someone making fun of your opinion that pedophilia is just like homosexuality, or that black people are the reason that bad things happen in poor neighborhoods, or that women are actually people and not objects, perhaps you should examine why you’re hurt by a little laughing at your misguided expense.

Stop Internet Misogyny Week

Like many other bloggers, I’ve decided to cover Stop Internet Misogyny Week. It’s a topic that needs more attention, and is a topic near and dear to my heart.

Echidne has a great overview of some of the posts that kick off Stop Internet Misogny Week, I recommend reading all the links. I thought I would touch on the most important points here.

1. The level of malicious attacks women receive is probably higher than the level of malicious attacks men receive.
2. The types of threats or attacks vary by the perceived gender of the writer or blogger.
3. Internet misogyny is not the same thing as honest criticism or arguments about the topic itself.

You come to expect it, as a woman writer, particularly if you’re political. You come to expect the vitriol, the insults, the death threats. After a while, the emails and tweets and comments containing graphic fantasies of how and where and with what kitchen implements certain pseudonymous people would like to rape you cease to be shocking, and become merely a daily or weekly annoyance, something to phone your girlfriends about, seeking safety in hollow laughter. – Laurie Penny

How can we combat misogyny online, dear reader?

Reddit is so rife with misogyny and sexism that specific subreddits have been set up to monitor and report it. I’ve received repeated death threats, threats of violence, and fanatics have tracked down and posted my personal information. On the whole, these threats have been met with near-total dismissal from admins and mods. After all, I’m a woman, writing about controversial topics online, didn’t I expect that someone would threaten to rape me to death?

Why I argue

Mary Wollstonecraft is awesome and kinda hilarious.

BECAUSE I CAN.

No, seriously.  That’s pretty much it.

As a woman, there seems to be a great deal of pressure for me to be nice and sweet and not argumentative.    I happen to enjoy being argumentative.

In part because I see this as something my predecessors fought for.  Mary Wollstonecraft would be proud, and Eleanor of Aquitaine would be only disappointed in my ambitions (I don’t really feel ruling europe from the shadows).  I can argue because they and women like them through time have argued, and persuaded and gotten mad and written stuff down.

I see my ability to express and argue an intelligent informed postition as a way to honor the women who went before me.

Also, I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut.

The Brontesaurus agrees with me.

Today in stereotypes that hurt everybody: “Men can’t control themselves.”

So, I was discussing with some of my venerable r/Shitredditsays Colleagues about men’s sexuality this morning.

One of the things as a feminist I find so terribly frustrating is this constant mantra from many men about how men cannot control themselves and cannot control their own sexuality.   If true, that’s pretty damn shitty, but I know enough men, and have heard enough men talk about how untrue and hurtful this stereotype is.

My main issue is that many men seem to embrace this stereotype and use it as an excuse for everything from creeping on random girls on the internet to rape. My dad embraces this stereotype and I love my dad so the fact that he thinks so poorly of his own sexuality (a phrase I hope to never write again. I have a mental block about thinking of my parents and sex.) and the sexuality of all men bothers me. It worries me, because he sees other men as a threat to myself and my sister, despite the fact that he raised us to be level-headed when it comes to relationships (true facts, he talked to me about statistical probability of “the one” when I started to ask about relationships) and sees any men we date as a bit worrying generally.

Male sexuality is strangely policed by a combination of macho patriarchal attitudes involving virility and power that it seems no one really desires to work on or deconstruct.  Now, don’t get me wrong, we can’t always control what we are sexually aroused by, but controlling reactions to that attraction and how we express those reactions is something that everyone can take personal responsibility for.  The idea that men cannot control themselves from their biological urges is quite frankly insulting to all men.

If this stereotype isn’t true, and I really believe it isn’t for 99.9% of all men, then not only women, but men need to actively point out that this stereotype hurts everyone.  If there’s one thing I think the Men’s Rights movement can do effectively on their own, right now (to make more substantial strides in terms of legislation and their other issues they’ll still need wider support), is to start by squashing the narrative that men cannot control themselves within their own movement.  If they care about equality, then they need to start by looking internally at narratives that many men buy into and espouse.  By changing the language of the discussion, both male and female slut shaming can be cut back, rape can decrease, and the fear some men complain about when they are alone with women or children will be mitigated.  And as a bonus, women may start to become more trusting of men after a while.

I’d say women need to do this, but quite frankly, when it comes to changing the language of sexuality and sexual desire, we, despite our repeated assertions don’t seem to be able to get through to many men, who persist in the same stereotypes of women, no matter what women say to the contrary.

If men are going to be the sexuality police, they need to start with themselves to more fully change the narrative of male sexuality.  And that’s how it should be.

Easy actions to do here:

• See the stereotype, educate the person saying it.
• Don’t propagate the stereotype yourself.

Simple, easy, like falling off a log.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Unless you’re involved in DV support and advocacy in some way, you might not know October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

You probably do know that it’s also breast cancer awareness month. If you go shopping, you won’t find stores practically littered with products advertising donations to end domestic violence, you won’t find cutesy t-shirts objectifying and sexualizing domestic violence, or colorful magnetic ribbons to attach to your car. Domestic violence remains our little secret, overshadowed by something easier to talk about, something that it’s easy to joke about (ha, ha, boobs!). We’ve decided, culturally, that breast cancer survivors aren’t at fault, even a little, for their cancer. We can’t seem to get on board with the fact that domestic violence victims deserve that same support.

Together, we can’t even decide what constitutes abuse, much less who’s to blame. So I’m going to make it clear: no one deserves abuse. Ever. It doesn’t matter if someone (even you) thinks you brought it on yourself, if you antagonized your abuser, if you stayed out too late, cheated on your partner, if you didn’t listen, if you brought home the wrong grades, or for any other reason.

You have the right to safety. To bodily autonomy. To safely express yourself without fear.

Physical abuse is not the only type of abuse. From Misty at Shakesville:

“It isn’t “only” hitting, slapping, choking, shoving. It also is using the body to intimidate. Physical abuse is also causing fear and intimidation via punching holes in walls/doors and throwing objects. It is intentionally scaring a partner by driving unsafely. It is preventing a partner from leaving their home.”

Sexual abuse receives even less attention in the media and conversation than physical abuse. This silence only encourages survivors to keep their pain to themselves. From Pandora’s Project:

Sexual abuse is any sort of non-consensual sexual contact. Sexual abuse can happen to men or women of any age.  Sexual abuse by a partner/intimate can include derogatory name calling, refusal to use contraception, deliberately causing unwanted physical pain during sex, deliberately passing on sexual diseases or infections and using objects, toys, or other items…without consent and to cause pain or humiliation.

There is another dangerous and insidious form of abuse – emotional abuse. Often, if you are being emotionally abused, it’s hard to recognize it as abuse because no it leaves no bruises. From Helpguide.org:

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

If you are in an abusive situation, physical or not, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit them here. If you or someone you know is being sexually abused, contact RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE.

These organizations are always in need of financial assistance. You can donate to The Hotline here, and to RAINN here. If you can’t make a monetary contribution, please consider making another sort of donation, such as time or shopping through one of their fundraising partners.